The other day, I got an email about a custom video with the subject line, “nothing too weird for you?” It turns out it’s not too weird for me at all, and it’ll be a fun video to make. It got me thinking.
I don’t just do the weird stuff. I like to do the weird stuff.
Here’s the thing: Although I don’t have a fetish myself, I understand it. I spent a very long time uncomfortable and unwilling to share my unusual sexuality with others, and I admire people who are out about their fetish. I feel, for lack of a better way to say it, proud of them.
Tangent: There is difference between a fetish and a kink, and it’s a huge pet peeve of mine when people misuse the words. A kink is something outside of the norm that turns you on. You have a fetish when you absolutely can’t get aroused unless the subject of your fetish is present.
Sex is such an important human function, whether society wants to admit it or not. And when your sexuality is different than what society deems acceptable, it can be crippling. My sexuality used to be my biggest secret. It used to be a weight I carried around with me. And mine’s not even, insert air quotes here, that bad.
So… I love making fetish videos, especially custom fetish videos. I admire the balls it takes to write to me about something that I might write back and say, “what the fuck? You are crazy!”
People with a fetish know what they want, and I love giving it to them. I figure, having a fetish makes things complicated enough, the least I can do is make them an awesome video. I know it’s going to be appreciated. It’s not pity, it’s appreciation and curiosity. I love learning about what turns someone on, and why. After all, it’s true what they say about psychologists – they study what they wish to understand in themselves.
And now, Captain Hammer… (click to play)
The fisting. It can’t feel good. It just can’t. I mean I don’t know. I’m a straight guy. But I don’t know any girls that want that. So I guess my question is: do you like getting fisted or is it just for the money?
I think fisting feels amazing, both giving and receiving. I’m not sure what I like better. I love putting my hand inside of someone – to me, it’s the closest I can get to having a cock and fucking them. I also love having someone’s hand inside of me. It’s very intimate, feeling them stretch me open. I love the feeling of fullness, the sensation on being stretched to capacity. It’s so good, in fact, that I can’t not cum when I feel the fist fully slide inside me.
(Note: I’m talking about anal fisting here. Vaginal fisting is a different thing for me. I love giving, but receiving isn’t really my thing. I’ve done it once, and that was enough.)
And anyway, there is very little, if any at all, extra money given for getting fisted.
I love watching you squirt, when did you do it for the first time?
I really love this story. I was on set for SexArt, shooting what is technically my first porn scene (I don’t consider it my first, however, it’s a long story). I was pretty nervous before we started, but once the cameras started rolling, I got into a groove. The scene started with a solo, and I had shot plenty of solo masturbation before. So I just did my thing. I got myself super horny, and I was ready to go when it was time to start the sex.
Logan and I started making out, and he began to finger me. It felt really fucking good. The next thing I knew, I looked down, and I was squirting! I knew what squirting was, but I had never done it before. I surprised everyone that day, especially myself. You can watch the scene here.
I still can’t make myself squirt. I know what helps – anal with a big cock in missionary is my favorite way– but I can never guarantee that it’s gonna happen. I’m working on it. I think its super hot.
aka TRPAMAQOTANIAI One
When I set up my Tumblr (which you can find here), I added one of those “ask me anything” buttons, out of sheer curiosity. Mostly I’ve gotten stupidity, but it’s the internet, so what can you really expect? But I’ve also gotten a few interesting questions. So, from now on, everything month, I’m going to answer one of the good ones. So, send them in via the button on Tumblr. Here is the first:
“I have a friend that has been a stripper for three years. She is burned out to a point where she just can’t handle another hard cock around her and has had more hands on her than she should in three slutty lifetimes. She finds that her sex drive is zero, level of interest is below zero and worries that long term trauma has been done while making a little money. Do you feel that any of these issues are pending for you? Have you heard similar and does it concern you?”
There is a difference between being a stripper and being a porn star. As a stripper, you have to play the game to get paid. You have to flirt, and be seductive, and interact directly with those lusting after you. If you don’t, you don’t get paid. As a porn star, yes you have to play the game with the fans, but it doesn’t impact your paycheck. A girl who ignores her fans on twitter may not receive many gifts from her wishlist in the mail, but companies are still going to hire her for shoots. She will still get paid.
And playing the game is exhausting. Some girls are excellent at it; I am not one of them. It’s the kind of thing that just wears me down. It’s why I can’t fathom myself as a stripper or a hooker.
Also, when it comes right down to it, I don’t really have very many hard cocks around me. When I go to work, it is an average of one, maybe two cocks, vying for my attention. And, for the most part, they are very professional cocks, who only want my attention when the camera is rolling. It’s not like a strip club, where every man in there has a boner, and the girl has to pay attention to all of them, all the time.
I do have to admit that this was a concern of mine before getting in to porn – that I would start to hate sex. But it no longer concerns me.
I have a bit of a skewed point of view on intimacy, I think. The act of putting a penis in a vagina (or a mouth or a butthole) by itself doesn’t mean anything emotionally to me. There are so many things that two people can do that are way more intimate than just having sex.
And a lot of the things that I find more intimate are the things that I don’t have do at work, the things that strippers and hookers have to do to keep their clients.
That’s why I’m not afraid of porn causing me to start hating sex. Because, sure, after a long week of working, I don’t want to have a dick inside me. But there are other things I still want to do, other things I still crave. It’s those other things that are important to me.
Those other things are my sex drive. Porn can’t take them away.
I’m finally feeling better after AVN. I got better from my first cold, worked one day (and did a super hot scene with Claire Robbins), and then woke up the next morning with cold number two. Cold number two turned into bronchitus number one, but a round of antibiotics later, and I’m good to go.
with Claire on set (and that’s Jessie Andrew’s crotch).
So let’s talk about Vegas. There were some really amazing moments. I got to have dinner with a friend of mine from NY who is starting his own porn site (check his blog here). It was really nice to step away from the Hard Rock and sit down to an amazing meal for a few hours.
I also got a chance to shoot with the one and only J.J. Plush. I’ve been wanting to work with her for the longest time, and it was so much fun. I love getting back to my fetish model roots and shooting some good ol damsel in distress bondage.
All tied up.
Signing was more fun than I thought it would be. I knew I would enjoy meeting my fans, but it was great to get to talk to people who watch my scenes, and put faces to names from twitter.
And last but not least, there was the awards show itself. I felt really glamorous and beautiful walking the red carpet. I did it last year as well, but this year, everyone knew my name.
On the red carpet.
As for the show itself, it was super exciting watching my Spiegler Sisters sweep almost every category.
And although I didn’t win Best New Starlet, you know what they say about stars. Once we see it at it’s brightest, it’s already gone.
I’ve been home from Vegas for two days now. Although I didn’t bring home any AVN awards, I did bring home the coveted AVN flu. So while I’m in bed clearing the desert and cigarette smoke out of my sinuses, please enjoy my new site.
Here’s a pic of me at the awards show.
I’ll have more for you on my Vegas trip once I’m feeling better.