Monthly Archives: November 2015
How I Date
More than anything else, I get asked about dating — how I date, who I date, etc. This one came from Adult DVD Talk.
I would be very interested in how far you would go on a first date with a person you have a great chemistry from the beginning on. I mean which kind of sexual passions, fetishes, whatever you wanna call it would you share with this person if mentioned or is this something you prefer to discover during the sex? Or do you for instance wait until the sex with somebody who is obviously not informed yet about your love for anal and let him that find out or is it a must for you to tell him that beforehand?
I guess, maybe, in the real world, I’m weird. But I grew up in the fetish community, and I approach dating from that perspective.
If I meet you at a bar, or really, anywhere outside of a kink event, I will flirt with you, yes. But I will never go out on a date with you, and I will never sleep with you. Why? My number one most important thing in a relationship is sexual compatibility, and I’m never going to find that in the real world. Does that make me cynical? Sure. Does that mean I’m saying there is no possibility for kinky people to connect in the real world? No.
I’m a conoissuer, a snob. I’m very picky. I’ve played with the best people in the world, and I no longer have patience for a relationship with someone who isn’t of that caliber.
But, let’s say I am on a first date with someone from the community, and we have great chemistry. Before we even get naked, we have discussed every single sexual thing we might do, in depth. We have talked about likes, dislikes, hard limits. Talked about boundaries and defined our relationship. And the first time we play, there will almost certainly be no fluid exchange. That requires an entirely separate negotiation, one that is complicated by my job, and I’m not gonna go through all that with someone I just met.
Yes, it’s not sexy, and yes, it’s not spontaneous. And yes, if I’m going to have sex with someone, they know beforehand that I enjoy anal. But that doesn’t mean they are ever gonna stick it in my butt.
I’m Casey Calvert, boner killer. But negotiation turns ME on.
Last week, I blogged about Coming Out Like A Porn Star. For those of you who read my essay, you know it’s about coming out to my parents, among other things. For those of you who haven’t, well, that’s what it’s about.
This week, Tumblr questions about my folks:
It is unequivocally none of my business, but would you be willing to offer any insight regarding your family’s views on your career? I ask because I would imagine your university education sets you apart from the majority of your colleagues.
I am unsure what my university education has to do with my family’s views on my career, but it doesn’t set me apart as much as you think. Anyway, for the long-form version of this answer, read this. For the short form:
Yes, my parents know what I do, and we have talked about it at length. Of course, they would prefer that I was doing something else, but their primary concerns are my safety and happiness. And they know that I am safe and happy. They are amazing. My little brother, who just turned 18, probably knows, but we have not discussed it. My extended family on my Mom’s side all knows and is great about it. My extended family on my Dad’s side knows, and is less great, but tolerates it.
Awkward question. Assuming your dad or other family members occasionally watch porn how do they avoid accidentally coming across you either naked or otherwise “engaged”?
I have absolutely no idea if my Dad, or anyone else in my family, watches porn. Knowing my Dad, if he did watch porn, he doesn’t anymore, as his way to avoid seeing me. Or he only visits sites that I’m definitely not on. I don’t know. And I’m not gonna ask.