love
A rebuttal to “filthy”
As a rebuttal to “filthy,” When did you stop caring about what other people thought of your sexuality, and started to love yourself unashamedly?
I will cop to the fact that my answer to “filthy” was a bit snarky. Ok, a lot snarky.
Snarky is fun.
But this question, this one is actually really important. The way I love myself now is something that I’ve very proud of, because it was such a struggle for me to get here. The short answer to your question is somewhere around 21.5 years old.
The long answer, well, the long answer you can find in my essay in Coming Out Like a Porn Star: Essays on Pornography, Protection, and Privacy which you can preorder here. I think it’s one of the best pieces I’ve ever written and I cannot fucking wait for the book to come out.
Three Years
Today is March 17th. It is my 24th birthday. It is also the third anniversary of the day my life changed.
When I was turning 21, I knew I wanted to do something special. I didn’t just want to go out and get trashed with my friends. I wanted to get myself a gift, and I wanted to get myself the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the entire world. So I did.
I got myself a spanking.
I’ve had a spanking fetish my entire life. I fantasized about it before I even knew what the act was called. And once I did learn the word, looking it up in the dictionary was as titillating for me as watching porn was for my friends. And once I did start watching porn, spanking videos were the first thing I looked up.
I never got spanked as a child, and I honestly thought all I needed was one spanking and it would be out of my system, and I could go back to being a shy, celibate, nerdy student who was afraid of the world. Boy, I couldn’t have been more wrong.
On March 17th, 2011, I spent a few hours in the back of a truck parked at a rest stop off of I-75. I arrived as one girl, and I left as another.
I’ve gone from a scared little girl to a confident one. I’ve gone from someone who was afraid of sex to someone who is an AVN nominated pornstar.
Three years ago, I never could have imagined where I am today. I couldn’t even have come up with the idea of some of the things I’ve done.
I’ve been tied up at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. I’ve been gangbanged, twice. I’ve been fisted, one in my pussy, and too many times to count in my ass. I’ve had my naked picture, and some clothed ones too, published in countless magazines. I’ve had sex with over 100 different men.
I’ve met real friends, not just the friends of convenience I had during school. I’ve met friends I’ll have forever. And I’ve loved. I’ve lost loves, and hurt loves, and experienced love more deeply than I ever thought was possible.
There’s so much more to do.
Three years ago today, I started living my life. And I’m not ever going to stop.
